The Value of Commitment

There is a concept today called "Strategic Memory Loss",this is when we make a promise as to clean the house, to buy something,to repair a leak and we forget it, but what if someone invites us to a party, a restaurant, or to go on vacation, we will not forget that for sure. This means we do not forget things randomly, we just forget things that are Not important to us.

This is connected to our level of commitment that goes from our spouse, parents, children, friends and even with ourselves. But how can you translate all this? What can we do to improve our commitment?

In 2015, researchers from the University of California at Berkeley announced that they would be part of a project valued at 100 million dollars to discover if there is intelligent life in the universe. They would send small prototypes at 1/5 of the speed of light to Alpha Centauri, just like them, we also send small signals, they are known as emotional ships, only people who are able to recognize and respond to them can cultivate intimate and deep relationships. Those who are blind or non-responsive often end up alone in the dark.

John Gottman calls them "Emotional bids", and we express them from the moment when we are born, when a baby cries is an offer to connect with his mother, when we grow these offers are translated into invitations that can be from questions, gestures, looks or physical contact, each of them translates as "I want to feel connected to you".

Frequently we send these prototypes, although sometimes they are not received or accepted:

They can be small: Did you see the game last night?

Poignant: I think I won't call my dad again.

Deep: I'm not sure my wife loves me

Urgent: I don't have anyone else to talk to, can I talk to you confidentially?

We generally respond to these invitations in three different ways: Accept, Reject and Ignore.

Accept: Some people are very good at accepting invitations, the important thing is to be honest with the person and with yourself, you don't always have to say Yes to everything, but there are ways on how to respond to the connection that the other person is looking for, such as "I cannot today but what about the next Saturday", the important thing is that our response is genuine and that the other person feels that we really care.

Reject: In this case, we respond perhaps with a "Are you Kidding? I´ve got too much to do" This type of response usually closes the doors to a future connection. Responses in the form of rejection causes our relationship with our loved ones to fracture, so every time you respond to a comment or invitation think about the emotional message you want to convey.

Ignore: If we only respond with a simple "No thanks, I don't have time", we are sending a message that we don't really get the real message that translates to "I want to spend time with you", this totally closes the possibility of connection we have with that person, imagine that it is your son, mom, spouse, that person will receive the wrong message and may think that he or she is not important to you.

When invitations are not recognized, relationships tend to die. It is when we see many people sitting at a table watching their cell phones, checking their posts, or attending to their work commitments, without having direct contact with the other person, that is, there are no such emotional bids, giving the message of lack of commitment .

Next time someone gives you an invitation, think about your reaction. Will you realize the real intention of connection? How will you respond to it? Will you get excited? If you establish the right connection, communication will continue, your commitment will be strengthened.